June 06

Sick of it

I am currently tired. I woke up to an unexpected cramps on both of my legs. The nerves made my legs too straight and I can’t even move it. The pain was too much that I can’t even hold back my tears. The pain was excruciating. I didn’t went to the doctors though as no one could assist me as I was alone at home.

My right toe went numb. I can’t feel a thing as I was stepping on the cold floor. i can feel the temperature of the floor but to feel me stepping on a piece of paper I could not. I always feel nauseated and turns in the stomach. How i hate metformin. How I hate my iron tablets. How I despise all those blunt and sharp needles that had caused bleeding in my tummy.

The agony and sorrow that I have to face since I was 18 till now. Normal healthy humans can sympathised with me facing all this. To them it is so easy. Being diabetic does not make me feel special. This condition does not make me accepted for jobs as easy as ABC. I have to asked for financial assistance due to my medications and for the application to get approved would take months. Living expenses is high in my country. The ‘best’ part is that scheduling an appointment with the doctor cost more expensive than buying the medicine itself.

We can’t get insulin off the pharmacy like buying a candy from the shop. All those unnecessary check ups and wasted time of waiting to go through blood checks and x-rays if any..

It is a tedious process. To go through all of this things is taking a toll on me. Watching my weight so that I won’t go below 45 kg (currently 49 kg). Watching out for wounds that heals slowly. Pray and hope everyday that I won’t go blind. I have to watch every calorie intake that I consumed and envy other people that can eat anything that they want without worry. It is a mental torture.

Each time I have to reject ice creams and candies given by my daughter is already hard enough. She doesn’t understand much about diabetes and its effect on me but she will cringe when she saw me poking myself with a needle each time. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself but I can’t help it.